Radical Acceptance Sounds Easy

But it actually takes a lot of determination.

Radical acceptance has been a theme for me since my surgery on June 6. The challenge is to accept not what I wish to be true, which is that I could bounce back and resume the life I had before, but to pick up where my capabilities are post brain surgery. I am a person with cognitive damage. There is a lot of work ahead of me just to be independent. There’s a poster on my wall that my family made for me in rehab. It has a unicorn and “Radical Acceptance” written over it. This is to remind me to accept what is, and not what could be or used to be. That’s the radical part, you have to accept things that don’t feel acceptable.

I’m good at setting high goals and working hard towards those goals. These days, though, I need to accept what is. What is that? My brain doesn’t work as quickly as I want it to. Neither does the left side of my body. I had brain surgery. I need to give myself some grace.

I am learning to accept what is. What is, is that I need a lot of rehab before I’m ready to go home. Rehab in which I learn how to walk, sit, get dressed, and, use the bathroom. I am relearning how to feel sensations by running my hand through corn kernels and rice. I am learning to take advice from smart people like my sister, my daughter, and my friends Judy Beth and Amy.

My family made me another poster that says “Believe,” like they have in Ted Lasso. I love the believe poster because it makes me think of the scene in Ted Lasso where Rebecca tells Ted that she hired him to tank the football team and he immediately forgives her. It makes me think about me forgiving someone like that. I’m struggling with resuming a life that doesn’t exist anymore and trying to forgive myself for not being the person that can make that life happen. I’d like to be able to forgive myself the way Ted forgives Rebecca.

I need to radically accept what is. What is, is brain damage. I shouldn’t push myself to get back to what life was before, because it will be different, at least for a while.

Rest is recovery, pushing myself is not what always needs to happen. I need to allow what is to be, instead of push push pushing myself.

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